Tragedy has befallen local funnyman Leslie Topherson, as he has officially spent three years trying to come up with a joke that references the deaths of both Heath Ledger and Brad Renfro.
“I got sidetracked,” says Leslie, picking through his beard for cracker crumbs after spending the last few years locked in his bedroom working on the joke. “I thought it was going to be really easy, since Renfro was in Apt Pupil with Ian McKellan. Y’know McKellan is a fag and everything, so that sparked some really hilarious stuff in the old noodle. Offending fans of Ian McKellan, Brad Renfro, and Heath Ledger in a single joke seemed too good to be true.”
Leslie pressed his index finger to his head, indicating that his ‘noodle’ was his brain. He squinted angrily at the light and flailed his hands in its general direction, trying to break up the beams up light into darker patches that would be easier to handle. His fingernails had the appearance of being unclipped for months, with ages of Sour Cream n’ Onion powder caked around his right hand, forming an auxiliary finger which he used to scratch his back.
“Turns out it WAS too good to be true,” laments Leslie, burying his face into his hands, nearly taking out an eye with his sharp oniony appendage. “I suddenly remembered that McKellan was Magneto, so that kind of cancels out the whole gay thing, and makes him kinda cool. It wouldn’t be right dissing Gandalf like that. The whole Apt Pupil ‘little boy’ angle went out the window – everyone knows that pedophiles are hilarious, but insulting one that people like is always a crap shoot.”
Leslie removed his socks for the first time since August, revealing a priceless crop of white truffles spouting from between his toes. Nearby, a massive pile of Hot Pocket boxes collapsed, taking a section of the floor down to the basement.
“Then I realized that most people don’t even know who Brad Renfro is. When you bring up that he was in Tom and Huck, everyone assumes that you’re talking about Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Then nobody thinks you’re funny, since everyone has a soft spot for Simba.”
Leslie sat down and furiously rubbed his temples, obviously distraught over the whole experience. Several generations of cats suddenly ran out from under the bed and swarmed out the door.
“I think I’m going to give up trying to be topical, it’s too fucking hard. I think I should stick to quoting Clone High and doing Greased Up Deaf Guy impressions.”
