Ron Sherman of Kitchener, Ontario, has managed to stay well below the imposed 25gb cap for years now without restricting his online habits at all.

“It’s all fairly simple,” says Ron. “People think that the ISPs are the only places that you can get Internet from. They don’t realize that every single day, gallons upon gallons of Internet is falling all around them, completely and totally wasted. That’s why I’ve constructed this!” Ron gestured towards a very complex network of barrels and troughs all over his backyard. “This network collects fallen Internet, which is piped into my house and stored in a modestly sized kiddie pool in my basement. The providers can raise their prices all they want, all I have to do is dilute their overpriced Internet with the free Internet I’ve collected from my own network!”

The downside? “If you’re collecting Internet from the outdoors, your computer is bound to get buggy after a while.”

Demonstrating his method in greater detail, Ron opened up the cap on his computer’s tank and began pouring in diluted Internet. Although it lacked the crisp quality of the fresh Internet from his ISP, Ron was still able to bring up several lengthy HD videos of puppies falling asleep.

“Hold on!” exclaimed Ron, “Have you seen the video of the panda sneezing yet? I’ll be right back! You HAVE to see it!” He quickly leapt to his feet and ran downstairs to fetch another pail of Internet.

Dan Rickman has come up with another method – he uses panels on his roof to collect radiant Internet from the sun, and also uses a composter to recycle his used Internet into fertile soil to grow his award winning zucchini in the spring. “I get an extra gig a day doing this!” He stated proudly, demonstrating how he can still use the collected Internet to pull up Facebook and inform his social group about how boring Wednesdays typically are.

Some ideas are still highly experimental, such as Allan Waters complicated model.

“As you can see,” said Allen, guiding us through the large operation he had set up in his garage. “Each one of the treadmills is operated by five cats, which powers the generator over here, creating absolutely pure Internet, which is then piped directly into my computer.” Allan pulled up YouTube, which was broadcasting a live stream of his setup known as the “Catmill”, via webcam.

“Isn’t this great!” He exclaimed, mesmerized by the image of hundreds of cats frantically running in unison on his screen. “Screw the ISPs! Now I can watch the Catmill online, all day every day!”

Perhaps the hardest hit will be the lower class, who will be unable to afford to build such systems or pay for the extra gigabytes over their monthly limit. One such person is a destitute homeless man seen laying outside of a bookstore, holding out his iPhone to passerbys, pleading for a single squirt of Internet to get him through the day. After a generous citizen gives him a few precious drops, he promptly plays ten minutes of Bejewelled before once again running out.

“NO!” shouts the dishevelled man, throwing his phone to the pavement in a huff. “I didn’t even get a chance to Google my name again! What are the most recent box office numbers for “The Green Hornet”? Did Boxcar Bob ever poke me back? Who’s going to feed my cows in Farmville? Is #biebersucks still trending? Oh God, please, someone tell me!”

“I got sidetracked,” says Leslie, picking through his beard for cracker crumbs after spending the last few years locked in his bedroom working on the joke. “I thought it was going to be really easy, since Renfro was in Apt Pupil with Ian McKellan. Y’know McKellan is a fag and everything, so that sparked some really hilarious stuff in the old noodle. Offending fans of Ian McKellan, Brad Renfro, and Heath Ledger in a single joke seemed too good to be true.”

Leslie pressed his index finger to his head, indicating that his ‘noodle’ was his brain. He squinted angrily at the light and flailed his hands in its general direction, trying to break up the beams up light into darker patches that would be easier to handle. His fingernails had the appearance of being unclipped for months, with ages of Sour Cream n’ Onion powder caked around his right hand, forming an auxiliary finger which he used to scratch his back.

“Turns out it WAS too good to be true,” laments Leslie, burying his face into his hands, nearly taking out an eye with his sharp oniony appendage. “I suddenly remembered that McKellan was Magneto, so that kind of cancels out the whole gay thing, and makes him kinda cool. It wouldn’t be right dissing Gandalf like that. The whole Apt Pupil ‘little boy’ angle went out the window – everyone knows that pedophiles are hilarious, but insulting one that people like is always a crap shoot.”

Leslie removed his socks for the first time since August, revealing a priceless crop of white truffles spouting from between his toes. Nearby, a massive pile of Hot Pocket boxes collapsed, taking a section of the floor down to the basement.

“Then I realized that most people don’t even know who Brad Renfro is. When you bring up that he was in Tom and Huck, everyone assumes that you’re talking about Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Then nobody thinks you’re funny, since everyone has a soft spot for Simba.”

Leslie sat down and furiously rubbed his temples, obviously distraught over the whole experience. Several generations of cats suddenly ran out from under the bed and swarmed out the door.

“I think I’m going to give up trying to be topical, it’s too fucking hard. I think I should stick to quoting Clone High and doing Greased Up Deaf Guy impressions.”

“Hurray! We’re the SOFTEST!” exclaims Victor Thompson, a two month old Purex Pillow who seems to have no idea he’s toilet paper. He happily snuggles up to a young boy and girl, who are inevitably going to cover him in feces.

“Snuggly soft!” he cries out again, the children giggling and laughing along with his charm. The pillow nearly broke out into an elaborate song and dance number, but was interupted when the children’s father escorted him from the room. Moments later, Victor found himself violently thrashed against the grown man’s anus.

“Buying this stuff sure has its drawbacks,” explains the man, making sure Victor is covered with a generous amount of fecal matter. “Having to listen to millions of little shrieks every time you drop a deuce can start to grate on ya. But the kids seem to like them, and they’re cheaper than a babysitter, so whatever.”

The man suddenly realized that he was giving an interview on the toilet, and summoned several dozen stern-looking pillows to escort us from the room. A flush was soon heard, followed by a chorus of tiny screams.

“Is this existence? Is this the meaning of our lives?” gurgles Victor, still clinging to the side of the toilet bowl. “I fought to get to the front of the line! I made sure I was the softest pillow in the whole factory! NOW look at me!”

“I didn’t think anyone was home,” explains Shirley Pappy, Happy’s wife of 23 years. “I went in to use the toilet and there he was, behind the shower curtain, exposing himself for the whole entire room to see!”.

Recent reports indicate Happy Pappy merchandise was the leading fuel for bonfires today.

“To think that children’s show hosts are doing things like that in the confines of their own homes sickens me,” bellows out Anne MacGinty, local leader of the Families for Families coalition. “My child will never be able to look at that sick pervert the same way! Everyone in Hell is naked, you know! That should–”

Anne’s comments were cut short as she managed to choke on the Crispy Chicken meal she was plowing through, spitting up fries and bun all over the podium.

Happy Pappy, although available for comment, attempted to communicate through a series of horn honks and kazoo buzzes. He eventually pelted reporters with confetti before escaping down a sewer drain.

The LAPD has issued a warrant for Happy Pappy’s arrest and plan on taking a lengthy series of photos of his penis, along with the penises of other children’s show hosts in order to confirm exactly who was in the shower at the time. The photos will be made available on the LAPD website next Thursday, allowing children to confirm if they’ve even been a victim of indecent exposure by any of the hosts in question.

“Y’ever do this? Y’ever do this? Y’ever do this? EVERYBODY’S DONE THIS!” screams Cook in a clip from the album, moments before letting out a screech that lasts nearly eight minutes. The screech was followed by five seconds of scattered laughter, then twelve minutes of cheers and whistles.

Another clip from the album shows Dane’s more serious side, as he explores the controversy over the war in Iraq.

“Y’ever, y’ever see army guys in the news? They’re ALWAYS doing this!” Cook bellowed out to a crowd of some 20,000 prepubescent boys and girls. Thunderous laughter was heard for roughly twenty minutes while Cook did inaudible flails and twitching, which apparently all army guys do.

Thousands of fans had set up campgrounds in front of local HMVs, desperate to be the first to hear Dane’s newest take on the controversial topics of screaming, shouting, flailing, and things you always do. Twelve year old Melissa Edwards, self proclaimed ‘Daneaphile’ and ‘future wife of the hottest comic EVER’, had been camping in front of the store for nearly nine days.

“Like, Dane is the funniest guy I’ve ever SEEN! You totally have to SEE his act!” Melissa screamed, oblivious that you can’t ‘see’ audio tracks on the CD she was about to buy. Melissa was about to perform another ‘walk by’ in front of a local cluster of boys when she suddenly realized that our cameras weren’t outdated cell phones.

“Am I going to be on TV? Is this on TV? OH MY GOD! I NEED TO CALL CHELSEA!”

Melissa pulled out her cell phone and dove into her tent, where cries of “Chels? Chels? Chels? O’m’God! Chels?” were heard for the next several hours.

When asked if he cared that most of the western world considers him a gigantic tool, Dane Cook laughed obnoxiously and threw himself against the wall several times.

“Who cares if I’m a tool?” yelled Cook, kicking over a table and walking around the room with his knees locked together. “Tools are useful, that’s why we have them! I don’t care about the haters! I’m pretty happy with my success!” Cook leered around the room, looking quite pleased that his shrieking had managed to attract a sizeable crowd of girls. “All these girls will be ladies one day, so it’s all good! Where are YOUR ladies? Huh? I don’t see any ladies around YOU! Gaylord!”

Dane then leaned his head back and made the sound of a motorboat, causing half the girls in the room to swoon and pass out from excitement.

“We had no idea people in Canada felt this way, or that the people of Tibet were unhappy,” states Hu Jintao, president of the People’s Republic of China. “After changing my status this morning and poking Kim Jong Il, I noticed he had joined this “Free Tibet” group. I only had to glance at a page or two of members before I realized what we were doing was completely and totally wrong. What were we thinking?”

Hu Jintao began muttering “Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!” and smacked himself in the forehead with the palm of his hand for a good ten minutes, until a guard suggested we wait in the hall until he finished.

The membership of the ‘Free Tibet’ group climbed to over 2000 yesterday, creating a massive forum of heated political activism.

“Tibet shuld really B let go,” writes Landon Reynolds on the group’s wall, shortly after trivializing the holocaust for the third time today with the creation of his new group ‘ED STILMACH = HITLER’. “After theuy had teh sunami and evarthing tehy shud be aloud 2 be free!”

Group creator Tyler Simmons remains humble regarding his contribution to the people of Tibet.

“I dunno,” says Tyler, anxiously glancing back and forth between his current game of Team Fortress 2. “We did some report on Tibet and I found out it was oppressed and stuff, and I heard about some burning monk that got burnt up because he thought Tibet should be free, so I made the group.”

People around the world are celebrating the success of the Facebook group by creating more Facebook groups.

“It’s so fantastic that we managed to make a difference!” writes Jessica Stevens, who recently ended the crisis in Darfur with the creation of her group ‘JOIN IF U THINK JENNICIDE IZ GAY’.

“It’s so awesome that a site like Facebook exists! We’re finally able to support those in need without actually having to do anything!”